If you a stepparent who loves ALL your children, whether you gave birth to them or not, then God Bless You!
Awkard reality: As a stepparent, you will always be the “second” parent. No matter how much you love those children, they DO have another mother or father who knew them first and will always be their parent.
Stepmother, the dreaded word! I never liked having to place the word “step” in front of father, mom, son, or daughter. It always sounds so removed to me, like you don’t care as much for a child or parent because they are a “step”. Besides, it reminds us all of those “wicked stepmothers” in the fairy tales!
I considered myself their second mother, their bonus mom, or even their extra mother. I was just another adult that loved them and would always be there for them.
Before I explain the “awkwardness” I want to let you all know that my husband and I never asked our children to all call us mom or dad. We gave our “new” children a choice when we got married. His were used to calling me Beth, as they had the years we were dating, so Beth I continued to be. Just as “mine” used his first name when referring to him. Now that they are grown they still use these names for us, but will be quick to explain if asked that they consider us their parents, biology doesn’t matter.
As my children are all over the age of 20 now, I feel it is alright to share that being a stepmother while they were young was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Please do not misunderstand me, I love all of my children and wouldn’t miss one single second with them, I am simply saying that being a stepmother definitely had its challenges.
Three’s a crowd, but it shouldn’t be.
My husband and his first wife stayed close for the sake of the children, which is NOT an easy thing to do. This meant that they shared in all major decisions regarding the children. They are still close and honestly, now I consider his first wife one of my dearest friends (more on that in another post). As I have promised honestly in this blog, I will admit that this was not always the case.
It is hard enough to navigate around a new marriage, but when you add in outside parties, there are many more obstacles. I went into my marriage fully in love with my husband AND his children. I had grown to know each of them while we were dating. I didn’t feel any differently for my non-biological children than I did my biological children, they were (and are) always “my children” as far as my heart and love were concerned.
I also do not want you to think that my husband excluded me in decisions with “his” children. He included me in all of them. Unfortunately for all of us (but especially him) his first wife and I would not grow to become friends until our children were grown. This meant that he wasn’t comfortable asking both of us to meet in the same room as him to discuss the children. I wish I was mature enough back then, and secure enough in our relationship, to suggest this. The back and forth was difficult on all of us.
Jealousy, the Ugly Truth.
There were many times that I felt “left out” as I always knew that no matter what, my opinion just didn’t have the same weight as his first wife when it came to the children. This was NOT because my husband didn’t love me, it really had nothing to do with me. It is just simple fact that she is and always will be the biological mother of those two children. She is their blood, and has more say in their upbringing, legally this is the case.
This is a hard thing to understand as a stepparent, if a decision is made that you do not agree with it is extremely easy to resent either your spouse or their ex. In looking back now, I wish I could have taken my emotions out of it and just supported my husband as much as I could. I know he was put in awkward positions trying to do the best for his children and me, as his wife.
My advice if you are in a similar situation is to talk to your spouse. You need to trust him or her and do your best to place jealousy aside. (I realize this is much easier said than done, believe me!) Your spouse is with you for a reason, you are the person they are currently married to. You both made that decision. Don’t hate the person(s) who came before you. If your spouse had children with another person, then that person will forever be a part of your spouses’ life. It is best to accept that and NOT to try to separate them. The bond between a parent and a child is the strongest I know, if you try to break that bond you will be the one left alone.
I spent many nights praying for the strength to get through the jealousy. My husband never once gave me any reason to be so, it was just an emotion I felt back then. I feel now after being married for 16+ years that it was honestly my insecurity in myself that I was truly feeling. I’ve changed a lot throughout the years, hence this blog.
This will be the space that I share my past, the changes that I have made and my hopes for the future.
Take care,
Beth
